Thinking Too Much

Today Rachel finished training in Detroit for her job as an adoptions specialist! She's been at it for seven weeks, half of which have been in Lansing or Detroit. She's been sitting in classrooms, staying at hotels, eating out and missing me. To celebrate her homecoming I thought I'd go get her a little something.

After cleaning the house, I made a trip to the store to pick something out. I began at the jewelry stand, looking through earrings and necklaces. But I thought I could maybe pick out something better, something more meaningful, something more special. So I wandered through the women's clothing,
fingering through pants and sweaters and socks*. Every time I saw something, I thought, "what would Rachel think of this?" "Is it the right size/color/style?" I went over to the board games and puzzles. No luck there either. If it was something fun, all of a sudden it looked too fun. If it was something sentimental, all of a sudden it looked too sentimental. It's too expensive. She already has that. Well what about getting a ...

Forty. Minutes. Later.

I am back at the jewelry stand. Deep breath. First instinct: a pair of little gold, leafy-looking earrings. I like them. Cheap. Nice. Boom.

I laugh at myself. Why was I so self-conscious about the gift I was choosing to give? Why did it take me forty-five minutes? I think it really could have been anything**. I think the thing that really matters to her is that I am thinking of her in advance, right? I think about myself way too much.

I think about how I come across to people, how I am contributing. I think about how I am facilitating good conversation. I think about how I look, how I am perceived. I think about whether somebody can handle what I'm about to say. I wrestle with what to give, what to say, what to write, what to make, because I try to figure out what the person on the other end wants. I don't understand how they could appreciate my gift if it's just my first impulse, my gut feeling***. I don't know if it's enough for my wife to get a pair of earrings that I picked out just because I liked them for her.

But guess what. It wasn't even a big deal. Rachel loved the gift.
End of story.



*I'm a little self-conscious on the rare occasion that I find myself shopping for women's clothing, especially when some lady is nearby. It makes me want to hold up a sign like: "I'm shopping FOR MY WIFE".  I don't know how some guys man up to buy their wives lingerie or perfume or underwear. Props to those husband heroes. They have to pick it out (which requires holding it up to check the size), put it in their basket, and hand it to the check-out person. I know it's a completely normal thing. Maybe some day I too will man up, but for now I'm a little skittish.

**Rachel loves gifts. One time I grabbed a fifty cent piece of chocolate a the store and put it on her pillow. She got home, went in the bedroom and came running out with tears welling up in her eyes, declaring, "You love me!" I do!

***My friend, Brett, has taught me so much about creativity. Brett is a songwriter. Often, Brett writes a song by just letting whatever words come to mind, flow right out of his mouth in melodies. He doesn't judge them or analyze them. Most of the time he doesn't even know what they mean. I love the honesty behind it and he has taught me the art of listening to my heart and going with my gut.