The day we moved to Michigan, we sold Rachel's car* and drove off with three thousand dollars in cash. Upon our arrival in Western Michigan, we had only one car, and since Rachel's job requires her to commute, we were graciously loaned a car from Rachel's parents. But that can't last forever.
Two months later and we still can't afford a car. Moving expenses as well as the cost of setting up a new home left us a little short, and we are still in need of our own car. So yesterday, again by the grace of Rachel's parents, my father-in-law offered for Rachel and I to pick out a car. He will buy it and we will pay him back over time, interest free.
As we were looking at cars, I struggled with all of the thoughts running through my head. First, why
do we think we are so important that we need two cars? Can't we get along with just one? Is it greed in us that is driving us to get a second car? Second, are we over-committing financially? Are we committing to a lifestyle beyond our means? Third, will this create an awkward relationship with my in-laws? How will this affect our relationship? Fourth, why don't we just buy a piece of junk and be thankful for it? Fifth, why am I asking so many questions? Why can't I just receive this generous gift with thankfulness? Am I being naive?
In all of these questions I struggle to hear the voice of Jesus. Does He have the answers, or is He the one asking all these questions, or is it something altogether different?
We found a car that we both really liked that was in a fair price range. Rachel loved it, and I was still asking all of these questions. But before we made the decision, we sat in the car and prayed. We tried to listen to God's voice in the midst of all of the desires and questions. God, what are you saying to us? Are we just caught up in the game of our culture that tells us we need more and better?
I wish all decisions were cleaner, with a clear good versus evil dilemma. I wish Jesus and the Bible and church was pitted directly against the world and that I was just a bystander with a sign that said GO JESUS. Then in every decision, my biggest effort would be remembering to hold up the sign. But that's not how it is. My struggle is within me; there is a battle inside me between all of the things I love: myself, Jesus, Rachel, my family, the church, my friends, my possessions, nature, and so much more. Yes, the attention of my heart is pulled in so many directions (as the world would have it), but above it all, the voice of the living God speaks love, peace, goodness, it's a voice that is for me and not against me, a voice of authority and sovereignty, a voice of creativity and hope.
So we decided to buy the car and we both felt good about it. After all of that, I still can't say that this was the "right" or "wrong" decision. But I do know that I am so thankful for a wife who will seek God with me. Because the car is not nearly as important to God as the attention of our hearts. God give me grace, despite my fears and questions, to see you and to hold to you alone.
*Mable was 'her' name. Rachel and Mable had a complicated relationship. Some days Rachel would curse Mable for being difficult, moody, and unreliable. I would agree with her and then Rachel would jump quickly to Mable's defense. This all started on Rachel's road trip to California during which Mable's transmission exploded.
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